Unrequited love
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| Unrequited love |
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Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections.
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[edit] History
Unrequited love has a long cultural history. The 1st century BC Roman poet Catullus wrote about his unrequited love for Lesbia (Clodia) in several of his Carmina. Abraham Cowley wrote of the emotion (in "Anacreontiques: Or, Some Copies of Verses Translated Paraphrastically out of Anacreon"):
- "A mighty pain to love it is,
- And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
- But of all pains, the greatest pain
- It is to love, but love in vain."
Robert Burns' poem "Anna, Thy Charms" catches it succinctly:
- "Anna, thy charms my bosom fire,
- And waste my soul with care;
- But ah! how bootless to admire,
- When fated to despair!
- Yet in thy presence, lovely Fair,
- To hope may be forgiven;
- For sure 'twere impious to despair
- So much in sight of heaven."
Alfred Edward Housman wrote a poem inspired by his life-long unrequited love for his best friend Moses Jackson:
- "He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
- He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
- I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
- And went with half my life about my ways."
As the literary selections suggest, the inability to express and fulfill emotional needs may lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. A universal feeling, by some estimates affecting 98% of all people during their lifetimes,[1] unrequited love has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture.
The object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance, someone regularly encountered in the course of work or other activities. This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing his/her feelings, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association; revelation of the lover's feelings might invite rejection, or might end all access to the beloved.
Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering, though contemporary western culture may give greater weight to practical, goal-oriented and self-assertive behavior. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance which have less relevance in democratic societies with relatively high social mobility, or less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonethess, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the limerence associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships. On the other hand, some research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions, including anxiety and guilt. [2] Moreover, while it is not identical with puppy love, it can be associated with the underconfidence and emotional immaturity of extreme youth, as illustrated by its prominence as a theme in the work of Charles Schulz; his Peanuts character Charlie Brown suffers from unrequited love for the Little Red-Haired Girl, as does Lucy van Pelt for Schroeder, Sally Brown for Linus van Pelt, and Linus for his teacher Ms. Othmar (later on a girl in his class, Lydia). Charlie Brown famously notes in one strip[citation needed]: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." According to Aron, Aron and Allen, "incidence of unreciprocated love [is] greatest for those whose self-reported attachment style was anxious/ambivalent."[3]
In its less benign forms, unrequited love can be a component of erotomania and stalking.[4]
[edit] In literature
Dante Alighieri’s love for Beatrice Portinari as depicted in La Vita Nuova and the Divine Comedy, along with Petrarch's devotion to Laura, established a spiritualized view of unrequited love. In this, as in the literary tradition of courtly love (which was, at least by convention, regularly adulterous, but not typically brought to physical consummation), the longing for the beloved spurs the lover towards physical, moral and/or spiritual perfection. This chivalrous ideal is both lampooned and glorified in Don Quixote.
Other classic literary works which use unrequited love as a key theme include:
- Cyrano de Bergerac
- Hans Christian Andersen's fairytale The Little Mermaid
- William Shakespeare's Dark Lady sonnets
- The Sorrows of Young Werther
- The Phantom of the Opera
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- A Tale of Two Cities
- Wuthering Heights
- The Great Gatsby
- Love in the Time of Cholera
[edit] In music
Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians; as in literature, its inherent conflicts and universality provide rich opportunities for lyric expression. The often-covered song Glad to Be Unhappy captures the essential ambivalence of the experience:
-
- "Unrequited love's a bore
- And I've got it pretty bad
- But for someone you adore
- It's a pleasure to be sad"
The bossa nova song "The Girl from Ipanema" ("Garota de Ipanema") also talks about unrequited love: "How can I tell her I love her / ... / But each day, when she walks to the sea / She looks straight ahead, not at me". The many songs of Dusty Springfield convey the theme of unrequited love, most notably "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" and "I Only Want to Be with You."
Other well-known instances include:
- The Left Banke Walk Away Renée,
- The Temptations: "Just My Imagination,
- Lionel Richie: "Hello",
- Marcie Blane: "Bobby's Girl",
- Eric Clapton (with Derek and the Dominos): Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs; the title track references Layla and Majnun, Nezami's tale about a moon-princess who is married off by her father to someone other than the man who was desperately in love with her, Qais Ibn Al Mulawah, who wrote poetry generally about love and her name was mentioned in many of his poems, resulting in the man's madness. This story, along with complex occurrences in the personal lives of Eric Clapton and George Harrison, was an inspiration for Clapton's song "Layla".
[edit] Books
- Loves me, loves me not: the ethics of unrequited love / Laura Smit., 2005
- Breaking hearts: the two sides of unrequited love / Baumeister, Roy., 1992
[edit] See also
- Erotomania
- Existential despair
- Limerence
- Passion Paradox
- Love-shyness
- Involuntary celibacy
- Courtly love
- Obsessive love
- Robene and Makyne
- Suicide
[edit] References
- ^ http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F0CE1DB1E3DF93AA35751C0A965958260
- ^ http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F0CE1DB1E3DF93AA35751C0A965958260
- ^ Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Vol. 24, No. 8, 787-796 (1998)
- ^ The Psychology of Stalking By J. Reid Meloy pp. 110 ff
